Resilience Tip - Consistency of Man

“He did it againnnn! Can you believe it?!” Well, actually I can. I’ve had clients and friends come to me time and time again with stories about the particular nemesis in their lives. They have a look of horror and disbelief as they relate stories already familiar to me. “My boss took credit for my work, again!” “My mother-in-law is trying to dominate the holiday, again!” “My spouse just sat there when our son arrived late, again!” “My colleague sat down uninvited and interrupted my work, again!” I do listen with sympathy. The relater of the story is truly in distress. And my simultaneous thought is “And you are surprised because?”

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Resilience Tip - Impact vs. Memory

“You weren’t listening to me!” “Yes I was! You said…” And they in fact repeat back exactly what we have just said. Familiar interaction? And yet, have you ever felt less than satisfied when that happens? Why this lack of satisfaction? What has happened, or perhaps more accurately, what has not happened They obviously did hear us, so what is still missing? What are we actually trying to do when we communicate?

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Resilience Tip - Inner Bumps

An important resilient expectation is Realistic Optimism. We are realistic in that we expect the road of life to have bumps, and we are optimistic in that we believe we can or will be able to manage the bumps. Sometimes these bumps are external, a challenge at our work, a health issue, children that do not admire and agree with every utterance from our mouths. And sometimes these bumps are internal, we lose our temper easily, we tend to procrastinate, we react before we think.

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Pleased vs. Complacent. While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.

Organizational studies suggest that one of the things employees most desire and least feel is acknowledgement, recognition for effort and work well done. People will grumble about their boss not addressing this important issue. And yet we are often similarly neglectful in the way we relate to ourselves.

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Resilience Tip - Statement Questions

Ever notice how sometimes people ask a question when they really do not have a question? Recently I approached an office building where the gate at the entrance booth was open. I pulled up past the gate to the window where the guard was sitting, and opened my window to say where I was headed. The guard asked: “Why did you pull up past the gate?” I attempted to answer. However, as the guard repeated the question, I noticed a slightly annoyed and slightly frustrated feeling growing inside me.

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While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.

“I’m confused”, clients have said with a look of dismay. “Great!” I say. “That is the first step toward new thinking.” We humans use routine thinking for routine situations. We compartmentalize incoming data to help us manage the vast amounts of information coming our way. Hmm, seat, back, some legs – goes into our “chair” compartment of our thinking, and then we can move on to another thought

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Resilience Tip - Judgment, Decision-Making, and Compassion

There is an important distinction when we judge people, versus judging objects or ideas. Judging a person’s qualifications or behaviors can appropriately guide us toward fitting actions. Regarding a person or a person’s character, it may be more helpful, and more resilient, to focus on compassion and on making decisions rather than judgments.

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Resilience Tip - Flexible Thinking

Flexible thinking is a characteristic of high-level resilience. This is the ability to consider multiple perspectives, to consider different possible understandings of a situation or problem, as well as resulting different possibilities for action. Flexible thinking gives us greater choice and so a greater sense of control, contributing to an increased sense of psychological well-being.

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Resilience Tip - Hidden Opportunities

Stuff happens that we wish hadn’t. Little stuff goes wrong, bigger stuff goes wrong, tragic stuff happens. At that moment it is hard to imagine a blessing in the situation. And, we can likely think of examples where there did turn out to be a blessing. Taking a job to ensure financial stability vs. following your dream, and realizing the job gives the exact training missing to achieve the dream. Being forced out of a comfortable apartment and finding the apartment that actually fits all your needs. Your place of employment closing

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Resilience Tip - Holiday Expectations

Expectations - the difference between a good holiday with family and the “get me out of here as quick as possible” experience. The gap between what we expect to happen and what actually happens is what creates disappointment. And disappointment can hugely affect our mood and overall experience of the holiday. “But you do not know my family”, I can already hear you saying. “Mine is the family from hell.” In fact I have heard many stories about the family from hell.

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Resilience Tip - Not All About Content

Many of my tips have an emphasis on widening or shifting perceptions of an issue, putting the issue in a framework that is more easily amenable to problem-solving. Having a problem-solving focus is a characteristic of high-level resilience. By understanding the issue better, by being more flexible in how we perceive and relate to the information involved in the issue, we can more effectively problem-solve the issue. One place where people continue to feel stuck, despite becoming skilled in the above, is when the content is not the issue. This is where

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Resilience Tip- Focusing on Desired vs. Undesired

Humans seem naturally inclined to focus on what is not good, on what to fix or change, on what to stop doing, on what we do not want. We seem less naturally inclined to focus on what is going well, on what to keep doing, on what we want. There was likely evolutionary adaptive-ness to this, and there remain times when this way of thinking is critically important. And, we may have developed a “limp” in our thinking, where

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Resilience Tip - Secret of Balance

One of my favorite anecdotes is an exchange between a student and his martial arts teacher. After watching the teacher practice for some time, the student asks in wonder: How did you become such a master in maintaining your balance? The teacher replied: I am not a master in maintaining my balance, I have become a master in regaining my balance. This anecdote is packed with characteristics of resilience. The first characteristic is

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