Resilience Tip - Consistency of Man

RESILIENCE TIP Resilience is the capacity to respond constructively to challenges and stress, and bounce back well. Some people are naturally more resilient than others, and, resilience can be intentionally developed. Resilience Regarding the Consistency of Man “He did it againnnn! Can you believe it?!” Well, actually I can. I’ve had clients and friends come to me time and time again with stories about the particular nemesis in their lives. They have a look of horror and disbelief as they relate stories already familiar to me. “My boss took credit for my work, again!” “My mother-in-law is trying to dominate the holiday, again!” “My spouse just sat there when our son arrived late, again!” “My colleague sat down uninvited and interrupted my work, again!” I do listen with sympathy. The relater of the story is truly in distress. And my simultaneous thought is “And you are surprised because?” The best predictor of future human behavior is past behavior, barring some significant intervention.  People are usually amazingly consistent. It is a very unpleasant experience when we work hard and the boss takes the credit. The first time it happens it can be quite a shock. If it happens again the logical part of our mind would, seemingly should, begin to suspect a pattern (the boss takes credit for my work whenever the CEO is present) or suspect a character trait (the boss believes this is acceptable or even desirable behavior). And yet, we humans are built (thankfully) of both logic and emotion. Some of our emotions seem to be linked with specific beliefs. Anger seems to be linked to a belief that a right(s) of ours has been violated. “That is my work, I should get credit!” We believe our right, to have our work recognized, has been violated. Our angry reaction is justified, makes sense. And… Remember the following characteristics of Resilience: a realistic awareness of the road of life having bumps, while being optimistic in our current and future ability to manage these bumps; distinguishing between our immediate reaction and our considered response; and accurately identifying the problem as the first step in effective problem-solving. It is natural to react with anger when we perceive a right of ours to have been violated, and natural to be shaken the first or even second time a particular person seems to blatantly violate one of our rights. And, we can respond Resiliently by checking the real nature of the bump. The bump may NOT be that the boss again took credit for our work; this is actually already a known feature of our road. Do we want to invest our time and energies in again bewailing this known feature? The bump may be our angry reaction, how can I best calm down and re-focus when I feel the anger rising? Or the bump may be a less personal variation of our goal being disrupted: My work is not being recognized, how can I discreetly let the boss’s boss know the value I bring to the company? Or, I must use these hours more productively, how can I communicate to my co-worker how difficult it is for me to have my concentration broken by their uninvited talking? People are typically consistent, wonderfully and frustratingly. And, regardless of the other’s consistency, we can choose a Resilient response that may better advance us toward our goals. Carolyn S. Tal, PhD Psychologist and Consultant - working with individuals, couples, and business partners 052-825-8585, carolyn@talconsulting.com (Please contact me if you would like to have these tips sent directly to your e-mail.) RESILIENCE TIP

Resilience is the capacity to respond constructively to challenges and stress, and bounce back well.

Some people are naturally more resilient than others, and, resilience can be intentionally developed.

Resilience Regarding the Consistency of Man

“He did it againnnn! Can you believe it?!” Well, actually I can.

I’ve had clients and friends come to me time and time again with stories about the particular nemesis in their lives. They have a look of horror and disbelief as they relate stories already familiar to me. “My boss took credit for my work, again!” “My mother-in-law is trying to dominate the holiday, again!” “My spouse just sat there when our son arrived late, again!” “My colleague sat down uninvited and interrupted my work, again!” I do listen with sympathy. The relater of the story is truly in distress. And my simultaneous thought is “And you are surprised because?”

The best predictor of future human behavior is past behavior, barring some significant intervention.  People are usually amazingly consistent. It is a very unpleasant experience when we work hard and the boss takes the credit. The first time it happens it can be quite a shock. If it happens again the logical part of our mind would, seemingly should, begin to suspect a pattern (the boss takes credit for my work whenever the CEO is present) or suspect a character trait (the boss believes this is acceptable or even desirable behavior). And yet, we humans are built (thankfully) of both logic and emotion.

Some of our emotions seem to be linked with specific beliefs. Anger seems to be linked to a belief that a right(s) of ours has been violated. “That is my work, I should get credit!” We believe our right, to have our work recognized, has been violated. Our angry reaction is justified, makes sense. And…

Remember the following characteristics of Resilience: a realistic awareness of the road of life having bumps, while being optimistic in our current and future ability to manage these bumps; distinguishing between our immediate reaction and our considered response; and accurately identifying the problem as the first step in effective problem-solving.

It is natural to react with anger when we perceive a right of ours to have been violated, and natural to be shaken the first or even second time a particular person seems to blatantly violate one of our rights. And, we can respond Resiliently by checking the real nature of the bump. The bump may NOT be that the boss again took credit for our work; this is actually already a known feature of our road. Do we want to invest our time and energies in again bewailing this known feature? The bump may be our angry reaction, how can I best calm down and re-focus when I feel the anger rising? Or the bump may be a less personal variation of our goal being disrupted: My work is not being recognized, how can I discreetly let the boss’s boss know the value I bring to the company? Or, I must use these hours more productively, how can I communicate to my co-worker how difficult it is for me to have my concentration broken by their uninvited talking?

People are typically consistent, wonderfully and frustratingly. And, regardless of the other’s consistency, we can choose a Resilient response that may better advance us toward our goals.

Carolyn S. Tal, PhD

Psychologist and Consultant - working with individuals, couples, and business partners

052-825-8585, carolyn@talconsulting.com

(Please contact me if you would like to have these tips sent directly to your e-mail.)