An important resilient expectation is Realistic Optimism. We are realistic in that we expect the road of life to have bumps, and we are optimistic in that we believe we can or will be able to manage the bumps. Sometimes these bumps are external, a challenge at our work, a health issue, children that do not admire and agree with every utterance from our mouths. And sometimes these bumps are internal, we lose our temper easily, we tend to procrastinate, we react before we think.

Organizational studies suggest that one of the things employees most desire and least feel is acknowledgement, recognition for effort and work well done. People will grumble about their boss not addressing this important issue. And yet we are often similarly neglectful in the way we relate to ourselves.

Ever notice how sometimes people ask a question when they really do not have a question? Recently I approached an office building where the gate at the entrance booth was open. I pulled up past the gate to the window where the guard was sitting, and opened my window to say where I was headed. The guard asked: “Why did you pull up past the gate?” I attempted to answer. However, as the guard repeated the question, I noticed a slightly annoyed and slightly frustrated feeling growing inside me.

“I’m confused”, clients have said with a look of dismay. “Great!” I say. “That is the first step toward new thinking.” We humans use routine thinking for routine situations. We compartmentalize incoming data to help us manage the vast amounts of information coming our way. Hmm, seat, back, some legs – goes into our “chair” compartment of our thinking, and then we can move on to another thought

There is an important distinction when we judge people, versus judging objects or ideas. Judging a person’s qualifications or behaviors can appropriately guide us toward fitting actions. Regarding a person or a person’s character, it may be more helpful, and more resilient, to focus on compassion and on making decisions rather than judgments.

“My truth is not fact.” a client recently declared to me. It was a magical moment of insight.

Flexible thinking is a characteristic of high-level resilience. This is the ability to consider multiple perspectives, to consider different possible understandings of a situation or problem, as well as resulting different possibilities for action. Flexible thinking gives us greater choice and so a greater sense of control, contributing to an increased sense of psychological well-being.

Stuff happens that we wish hadn’t. Little stuff goes wrong, bigger stuff goes wrong, tragic stuff happens. At that moment it is hard to imagine a blessing in the situation. And, we can likely think of examples where there did turn out to be a blessing. Taking a job to ensure financial stability vs. following your dream, and realizing the job gives the exact training missing to achieve the dream. Being forced out of a comfortable apartment and finding the apartment that actually fits all your needs. Your place of employment closing

Expectations - the difference between a good holiday with family and the “get me out of here as quick as possible” experience. The gap between what we expect to happen and what actually happens is what creates disappointment. And disappointment can hugely affect our mood and overall experience of the holiday. “But you do not know my family”, I can already hear you saying. “Mine is the family from hell.” In fact I have heard many stories about the family from hell.

Many of my tips have an emphasis on widening or shifting perceptions of an issue, putting the issue in a framework that is more easily amenable to problem-solving. Having a problem-solving focus is a characteristic of high-level resilience. By understanding the issue better, by being more flexible in how we perceive and relate to the information involved in the issue, we can more effectively problem-solve the issue. One place where people continue to feel stuck, despite becoming skilled in the above, is when the content is not the issue. This is where

Humans seem naturally inclined to focus on what is not good, on what to fix or change, on what to stop doing, on what we do not want. We seem less naturally inclined to focus on what is going well, on what to keep doing, on what we want. There was likely evolutionary adaptive-ness to this, and there remain times when this way of thinking is critically important. And, we may have developed a “limp” in our thinking, where

The difference between contribution and blame can be the difference between productive problem-solving and tense stale-mate. The way we language is critical. The words we use can shape our subsequent perceiving and thinking. Flexibility, including flexibility with our languaging, is a

The word NO has become quite negative in a world where we are increasingly urged to be positive. In this climate it seems we have become hesitant to use an important aspect of communication. Some feel increasingly guilty when they use the word NO. We may fear being perceived as inflexible, selfish, or poor listeners.

In addition to wanting to develop resilience within ourselves, many wonder how to develop resilience in our children. (The ideas below can also be applied to others whose development we want to influence, such as grandchildren and direct reports in the workplace.) Remember that resilience is like a buffer, a cushion for reducing

Disagreements can be exasperating, particularly disagreements that seem to come up again and again. Repetitive problems often require

One of my favorite anecdotes is an exchange between a student and his martial arts teacher. After watching the teacher practice for some time, the student asks in wonder: How did you become such a master in maintaining your balance? The teacher replied: I am not a master in maintaining my balance, I have become a master in regaining my balance. This anecdote is packed with characteristics of resilience. The first characteristic is

'Tis the season for making resolutions. And 'tis shortly the season where we scratch our heads and wonder what happened to those resolutions. How to actually make those resolutions stick? Experience suggests that it takes roughly 3-4 weeks for humans to