Resilience Tip - Inner Bumps

RESILIENCE TIP Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks. While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed. Inner Bumps An important resilient expectation is Realistic Optimism. We are realistic in that we expect the road of life to have bumps, and we are optimistic in that we believe we can or will be able to manage the bumps. Sometimes these bumps are external, a challenge at our work, a health issue, children that do not admire and agree with every utterance from our mouths. And sometimes these bumps are internal, we lose our temper easily, we tend to procrastinate, we react before we think. I have wondered if we spend too much time and energy attempting to change who we are. I am absolutely in favor of change; my professional life is all about facilitating change. And, would a more productive focus be on changing how we are instead of who we are? For example, if we tend to procrastinate, frequently with an undesired effect on our lives, we might try to not be a procrastinator. Problem is, procrastinator can be a tough characteristic to “disappear”. And this can lead to a tough, usually unsuccessful, and so often guilt-ridden inner battle to change who we are. A shift in our thinking can lead to a kinder and more effective approach. Suppose instead that we stop trying to stop being a procrastinator; that we accept that we have a tendency to procrastinate, accept that we will likely always have a tendency to procrastinate, and stop beating ourselves up for being a procrastinator. What if, instead, we see our procrastination as an inevitable bump on our road, an inner bump; what if we accept that we will not be perfect human specimens. We know external stuff happens. While we may fantasize otherwise, we know that we will have desirable and undesirable events in our lives. How we relate to all these events is critical to our resilience. And, we all have desirable and undesirable traits; at least every human that I know. How we relate to all these inner traits of ours is also critical to our resilience. A resilient way to relate to undesirable traits, to inner bumps on our road, is to focus on managing these traits. For example, how can we manage our tendency to procrastinate, so that our procrastinator tendency manifests less frequently, or manifests for a shorter period of time? I love the eyeglass example. Some of us were born with less than perfect vision. Yet, most people do not beat themselves up for not having perfect vision. We deal with it, manage it, and generally do not consider it a flaw. We manage by wearing glasses, or contacts, or avoid driving at night. Similarly, there are a number of ways to manage our being a procrastinator. We can create a structure to help contain us, hang motivating reminders, utilize friends and/or professionals to help keep us on track (outside commitments are good for procrastinators), or allow extra time for projects - knowing that we will require time for our procrastination. When we want to influence others we want to avoid attacking the other (leads to defensiveness, and shifts focus to the attack), and we want to accept them as the human they are (does not necessarily mean we like everything about them, nor that we wish all to remain exactly as is). Similarly, when we want to influence ourselves, we want to avoid self-attacks and to be more accepting of ourselves, to consider changing how we are being, rather than who we are. Carolyn S. Tal, PhD Psychologist and Consultant - working with individuals, couples, and business partners Creator of “Resilience Frame”; 052-825-8585, carolyn@talconsulting.com (Please contact me if you would like to have these tips sent directly to your e-mail.)

RESILIENCE TIP

Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks.

While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.

Inner Bumps

An important resilient expectation is Realistic Optimism. We are realistic in that we expect the road of life to have bumps, and we are optimistic in that we believe we can or will be able to manage the bumps. Sometimes these bumps are external, a challenge at our work, a health issue, children that do not admire and agree with every utterance from our mouths. And sometimes these bumps are internal, we lose our temper easily, we tend to procrastinate, we react before we think.

I have wondered if we spend too much time and energy attempting to change who we are. I am absolutely in favor of change; my professional life is all about facilitating change. And, would a more productive focus be on changing how we are instead of who we are? For example, if we tend to procrastinate, frequently with an undesired effect on our lives, we might try to not be a procrastinator. Problem is, procrastinator can be a tough characteristic to “disappear”. And this can lead to a tough, usually unsuccessful, and so often guilt-ridden inner battle to change who we are. A shift in our thinking can lead to a kinder and more effective approach.

Suppose instead that we stop trying to stop being a procrastinator; that we accept that we have a tendency to procrastinate, accept that we will likely always have a tendency to procrastinate, and stop beating ourselves up for being a procrastinator. What if, instead, we see our procrastination as an inevitable bump on our road, an inner bump; what if we accept that we will not be perfect human specimens. We know external stuff happens. While we may fantasize otherwise, we know that we will have desirable and undesirable events in our lives. How we relate to all these events is critical to our resilience. And, we all have desirable and undesirable traits; at least every human that I know. How we relate to all these inner traits of ours is also critical to our resilience. A resilient way to relate to undesirable traits, to inner bumps on our road, is to focus on managing these traits. For example, how can we manage our tendency to procrastinate, so that our procrastinator tendency manifests less frequently, or manifests for a shorter period of time?

I love the eyeglass example. Some of us were born with less than perfect vision. Yet, most people do not beat themselves up for not having perfect vision. We deal with it, manage it, and generally do not consider it a flaw. We manage by wearing glasses, or contacts, or avoid driving at night. Similarly, there are a number of ways to manage our being a procrastinator. We can create a structure to help contain us, hang motivating reminders, utilize friends and/or professionals to help keep us on track (outside commitments are good for procrastinators), or allow extra time for projects - knowing that we will require time for our procrastination.

When we want to influence others we want to avoid attacking the other (leads to defensiveness, and shifts focus to the attack), and we want to accept them as the human they are (does not necessarily mean we like everything about them, nor that we wish all to remain exactly as is). Similarly, when we want to influence ourselves, we want to avoid self-attacks and to be more accepting of ourselves, to consider changing how we are being, rather than who we are.

Carolyn S. Tal, PhD

Psychologist and Consultant - working with individuals, couples, and business partners

Creator of “Resilience Frame”; 052-825-8585, carolyn@talconsulting.com

(Please contact me if you would like to have these tips sent directly to your e-mail.)