Resilience Tip - Judgment, Decision-Making, and Compassion

RESILIENCE TIP Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks. While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed. Judgment and Decision-Making The words Judgment and Compassion are frequent in self-reflection and prayer during this season. Relevant to resilience is the consideration of our own personal shift from judgment to compassion. The ability to judge is essential for humans, to form an opinion or conclusion about, hopefully through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises (thanks to Oxford and Webster). Such judgment critically guides our actions. If an investment is judged to be a poor risk, we would choose not to place our money or energies in that investment. If we judge a person to be missing the requirements for a job position we are attempting to fill, they will be triaged out of the potential applicant pile. There is an important distinction when we judge people, versus judging objects or ideas. Judging a person’s qualifications or behaviors can appropriately guide us toward fitting actions. Regarding a person or a person’s character, it may be more helpful, and more resilient, to focus on compassion and on making decisions rather than judgments. Parents who beat their children have often themselves been beaten as children. For the fortunate ones who lack this experience, it is difficult to imagine what these “batterers” have undergone and the effects of their experiences. Decisions must be made regarding a battering parent; there may be a decision to remove the children from the home unless the parent commits to work with a professional toward changing their behavior. We judge the battering behavior to be unacceptable. We may also be quick to judge the batterer negatively. And, perhaps we can have some compassion for the batterer who was once battered, and hold our judgment on the person. Or consider your usually responsible teen that bows to peer pressure, has a drink before driving, and causes minor damage to the car. Your teen’s behavior may lead you to make decisions, consequences, for your teen’s action; such as loss of driving privileges. And, simultaneously we can view our teen with compassion, understanding their attempts to juggle the many challenges and pressures of growing up; rather then judging them to be no longer responsible. Other than being judged innocent in courts of law, people tend to react negatively to being judged. Consider a spouse, employee, friend, or neighbor who has begun to consistently leave their “stuff” in shared spaces. After calming your initial impulse to explode, consider making a decision, an action, regarding their “stuff” (piling it on their pillow, placing a warning in the employee file, covering their stuff with exploding (washable) ink, or notifying of intent to remove property). At the same time, consider that our spouse, employee, friend, or neighbor may be temporarily overwhelmed by stuff, is perhaps suffering from being organizationally challenged, or other possible unknown factors. Decide on consequences, while trying to shift from judging the person’s character to some compassion for the person’s situation. Often, people respond more positively and effectively when they do not feel judged, when they feel another’s compassion. Finally, be particularly aware of shifting from judgment to compassion for one of the most important people in our lives, ourselves. We may want to set up consequences for desired changes in our own behavior, and, simultaneously maintain compassion toward ourselves in the rocky process of human change and development. Wishing everyone a meaningful holiday season, Carolyn S. Tal, PhD Psychologist and Consultant - working with individuals, couples, and business partners 052-825-8585, carolyn@talconsulting.com (Please contact me if you would like to have these tips sent directly to your e-mail.)

RESILIENCE TIP

Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks.

While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.

Judgment, Decision-Making, and Compassion

The words Judgment and Compassion are frequent in self-reflection and prayer during this season. Relevant to resilience is the consideration of our own personal shift from judgment to compassion. The ability to judge is essential for humans, to form an opinion or conclusion about, hopefully through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises (thanks to Oxford and Webster). Such judgment critically guides our actions. If an investment is judged to be a poor risk, we would choose not to place our money or energies in that investment. If we judge a person to be missing the requirements for a job position we are attempting to fill, they will be triaged out of the potential applicant pile.

There is an important distinction when we judge people, versus judging objects or ideas. Judging a person’s qualifications or behaviors can appropriately guide us toward fitting actions. Regarding a person or a person’s character, it may be more helpful, and more resilient, to focus on compassion and on making decisions rather than judgments.

Parents who beat their children have often themselves been beaten as children. For the fortunate ones who lack this experience, it is difficult to imagine what these “batterers” have undergone and the effects of their experiences. Decisions must be made regarding a battering parent; there may be a decision to remove the children from the home unless the parent commits to work with a professional toward changing their behavior. We judge the battering behavior to be unacceptable. We may also be quick to judge the batterer negatively. And, perhaps we can have some compassion for the batterer who was once battered, and hold our judgment on the person.

Or consider your usually responsible teen that bows to peer pressure, has a drink before driving, and causes minor damage to the car. Your teen’s behavior may lead you to make decisions, consequences, for your teen’s action; such as loss of driving privileges. And, simultaneously we can view our teen with compassion, understanding their attempts to juggle the many challenges and pressures of growing up; rather then judging them to be no longer responsible.

Other than being judged innocent in courts of law, people tend to react negatively to being judged. Consider a spouse, employee, friend, or neighbor who has begun to consistently leave their “stuff” in shared spaces. After calming your initial impulse to explode, consider making a decision, an action, regarding their “stuff” (piling it on their pillow, placing a warning in the employee file, covering their stuff with exploding (washable) ink, or notifying of intent to remove property). At the same time, consider that our spouse, employee, friend, or neighbor may be temporarily overwhelmed by stuff, is perhaps suffering from being organizationally challenged, or other possible unknown factors. Decide on consequences, while trying to shift from judging the person’s character to some compassion for the person’s situation. Often, people respond more positively and effectively when they do not feel judged, when they feel another’s compassion.

Finally, be particularly aware of shifting from judgment to compassion for one of the most important people in our lives, ourselves. We may want to set up consequences for desired changes in our own behavior, and, simultaneously maintain compassion toward ourselves in the rocky process of human change and development.

Wishing everyone a meaningful holiday season,

Carolyn S. Tal, PhD

Psychologist and Consultant - working with individuals, couples, and business partners

052-825-8585, carolyn@talconsulting.com

(Please contact me if you would like to have these tips sent directly to your e-mail.)