Resilience Tip - Truth and Fact

RESILIENCE TIP Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks. While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed. Truth and Fact (Flexible Thinking in Pairs) “My truth is not fact.” a client recently declared to me. It was a magical moment of insight. They had discovered that while “my spouse is angry” seemed as clear and true to them as the sky is blue, this was not necessarily fact. The spouse did not perceive themselves to be angry just as the spouse perceived the sky to be gray. We can absolutely sense that our spouse is angry at us, we can believe it 100% beyond any doubt, it may be absolutely true for us – our truth. And, this does not necessarily mean that our spouse is angry with us. They might be angry and say so, they might be angry and not say so (aware and not want to say so, or truly unaware that they are angry), they might not be angry (and say so, or feign anger for some reason), they might only be mildly peeved or miffed. And so on. Our clear truth, what is absolutely true for us, does not equal fact. Our truth that is, actually, fact is our experience. “I feel you are angry at me”, is a fact. “I believe you are angry at me”, is a fact. Or, “When you do ___ then I feel angry at you”, is also a fact. Why should we care about this distinction between truth and fact? Because confusing our truth with fact often leads to undesired results. When we say “You are angry at me”, this sometimes leads to fruitful discussion. However, often the response is “No I’m not” and the response to that is “Yes you are” and so on. This leads to a focus on whether or not someone is angry, versus addressing what underlies the unpleasant feeling between the two people involved. Occasionally the first topic is the desired focus (such as, why do you never acknowledge your feelings?). More often the desired focus is what led to the unpleasant feeling between those involved. Distinguishing between truth and fact helps guide the focus of the ensuing conversation toward the more immediately significant issue and desired focus. There is a similar dynamic with business partners. One partner will frequently say to another “You should…”. While this is often well-intentioned, and while this kind of communication works for some partners, some partners will respond (articulated or not) “Really, according to who?!” One partner sees their statement as crystal clear and harmless, while the other may experience the same statement as attacking and hurtful, for example, believing that their own judgment has been slighted. Confusing truth and fact among business partners can impair communication critical for the success of the business, as well as damage important relations between the partners. Regardless of the setting, attempt to preface statements involving your truth with “I think” and similar phrases. Adding “What do you think?” is also quite helpful. Thinking the above does not apply to you, that you are immune? Ask your partner (spouse or business partner): Do you think there are times when I assume that my truth is also your truth? If they respond affirmatively, try stretching your thinking. Carolyn S. Tal, PhD Psychologist and Consultant - working with individuals, couples, and business partners 052-825-8585, carolyn@talconsulting.com (Please contact me if you would like to have these tips sent directly to your e-mail.)

RESILIENCE TIP

Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks.

While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.

Truth and Fact (Flexible Thinking in Pairs)

“My truth is not fact.” a client recently declared to me. It was a magical moment of insight. They had discovered that while “my spouse is angry” seemed as clear and true to them as the sky is blue, this was not necessarily fact. The spouse did not perceive themselves to be angry just as the spouse perceived the sky to be gray.

We can absolutely sense that our spouse is angry at us, we can believe it 100% beyond any doubt, it may be absolutely true for us – our truth. And, this does not necessarily mean that our spouse is angry with us. They might be angry and say so, they might be angry and not say so (aware and not want to say so, or truly unaware that they are angry), they might not be angry (and say so, or feign anger for some reason), they might only be mildly peeved or miffed. And so on. Our clear truth, what is absolutely true for us, does not equal fact.

Our truth that is, actually, fact is our experience. “I feel you are angry at me”, is a fact. “I believe you are angry at me”, is a fact. Or, “When you do __ then I feel angry at you”, is also a fact.

Why should we care about this distinction between truth and fact? Because confusing our truth with fact often leads to undesired results. When we say “You are angry at me”, this sometimes leads to fruitful discussion. However, often the response is “No I’m not” and the response to that is “Yes you are” and so on. This leads to a focus on whether or not someone is angry, versus addressing what underlies the unpleasant feeling between the two people involved. Occasionally the first topic is the desired focus (such as, why do you never acknowledge your feelings?). More often the desired focus is what led to the unpleasant feeling between those involved. Distinguishing between truth and fact helps guide the focus of the ensuing conversation toward the more immediately significant issue and desired focus.

There is a similar dynamic with business partners. One partner will frequently say to another “You should…”. While this is often well-intentioned, and while this kind of communication works for some partners, some partners will respond (articulated or not) “Really, according to who?!” One partner sees their statement as crystal clear and harmless, while the other may experience the same statement as attacking and hurtful, for example, believing that their own judgment has been slighted. Confusing truth and fact among business partners can impair communication critical for the success of the business, as well as damage important relations between the partners.

Regardless of the setting, attempt to preface statements involving your truth with “I think” and similar phrases. Adding “What do you think?” is also quite helpful.

Thinking the above does not apply to you, that you are immune? Ask your partner (spouse or business partner): Do you think there are times when I assume that my truth is also your truth? If they respond affirmatively, try stretching your thinking.

Carolyn S. Tal, PhD

Psychologist and Consultant - working with individuals, couples, and business partners

052-825-8585, carolyn@talconsulting.com

(Please contact me if you would like to have these tips sent directly to your e-mail.)